M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
