I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
