his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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