I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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