even my farts smell like vagina
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
