How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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