I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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