the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
