He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
