All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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