Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
