Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize