Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
