tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
