Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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