I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize