you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
