I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
