Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
