Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Pants are for mortals
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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