Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
