so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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