So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
