Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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