I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
only if we run a train.
done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
