I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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