WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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