420 ftw
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The adults are the big ones right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
