dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
