First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
