3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
