i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
