the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
