I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize