i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
