batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
