Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
