Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
