I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
