Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
