U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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