Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
