someone threw a dead crab at me
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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