why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
