A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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