Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
