I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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