My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
from now on my penis is your penis
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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