i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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