Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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