You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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