I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize