Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You are the jesus of drinking
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
