at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
