:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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