The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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