Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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