So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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