I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize