Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
