if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
