I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
