Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
