Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
porn star boner night. come get it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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